Tuesday, March 5, 2013

The Bittersweet Between My Teeth

Hello my wonderful readers! I'm so sorry it's been such a long while since the last time I blogged, but so much has happened; where shall I begin?

Okay, well lets start with the fact that I got out of Indiana. 

PRAISE JESUS! 



Despite loving the fact that I would take the train and spend my days in Chicago, I am happy to be back in Florida. I don't care what anyone be sayin', home is where the heart is and that for me is New Orleans Florida.

Oh, another thing new is that I got pretty attractive. I don't know, apparently I'm all hot now and I don't really know what to think because I've always been cool, I still think I'm cool, so for me, nothings changed. LOL no, I'm just kidding, I love being pretty! Everyone says I'm exotic looking..... hehehehe. I'm just like, "that's just my face."

No more Weight Watchers for me! 
*My regular readers will get the joke. Oh, and no muffin top here ;)

Hmmm, what else is new? Oh, besides getting into Columbia but end up not going to fulfill  my dreams of being a producer/writer, I've decided I'm going to stay here...in Florida...to be a Professor. Random, I know, but I enjoy learning and traveling to see other cultures and history. It was the only realistic "career" I could think of that I could possibly do since reality has since destroyed any happiness, I did attain once, when I realized I need to get my head out of my ass the clouds and do something with my life.

But my dream of being a Real Housewife of Tampa will 
LIVE ON!

Flippin' tables n' shit. It's going to happen. 
Oh, you think I'm kidding?

Exactly. Bitches. 

Sorry, I couldn't resist :') I'm probably the only one laughing but I don't even care. Teresa is the mother-fucking queen.

Anyway, as you can probably tell, my blog got a make-over and I'm going to start doing my weekly posts, My Favorite Gay, Random Shout Out, Greek of the Week, Band of the Week, and everything else again because I missed it and I missed you guys. But mainly, I just missed bitching. Hahaha, just kidding.

What else is new? What else is newww?

I worked at Buckle for, like, 5 months. I was one month away from getting my name on my name tag :( but seriously, fuck that place. Working there was the stupidest thing I ever did, among other things.

Oh well, I finally got a boyfriend last summer when I went to Greece. Insane, I know, because I'm sure you all probably thought I was lesbian or something. It was a cute summer romance that should of just ended during the summer. I We attempted to continue on in the states but we didn't last through the winter because some things aren't meant to last. I ended it. And that was that. 

Then I had my first - what I consider - real-ish "relationship" that wasn't a relationship at all; we just hung out a few times,so really, looking back, it was nothing. We both ended it, I guess, more so me, because like I said, some things aren't meant to last. But then again, some things shouldn't have started, either. Especially when your heart is with someone else. On both our parts.



Regardless, it's all in the past and you can't miss people who don't matter and you cant stay or be with people that never mattered and never will. And that's my relationship advice for tonight hahaha.

Oh, going back to the topic of Greece; all I can say is....holy shiz.


 And I'm leaving it at that.

Okay, hate to keep it short, but I work tomorrow, so I'm just going to end on some classic notes before I go to bed!

It's time for......

My Favorite Gay!
This week's favorite gay is my cousin/sister/other half, Irene! She is the best person I know and if this world had other humans like her, it would be a much, much better place. I strive to be like her one day and to have her heart and I only hope to literally never disappoint her. I love you, Irene.


Random Shout Out!
This is my best friend in the whole world, Auriel! You can actually see her blog on the left hand side of this one! So go check it out. I am blessed to have a lady like this in my life. She is the most beautiful girl in the world with one of the most greatest hearts. Literally, I don't know what I did in my life to be fortunate to even know someone as great as her. She is always there for me. Love you, Everdeen! 



Greek of the Week!

This Greek goddess is my gorgeous cousin, Liz! I absolutely adore her and she is literally the baddest bitch I know! Even though she has a mean left-hook, she still has one of the most genuinely sweet souls on this planet...except when she's in survival mode. LMAO, just kidding, inside joke between us. But, I love you, Liz, you are hilarious and just over all amazing and so, just, awesome and I love the fact that you're always there for me...but stop giving me advice because you're always right LMAO. Love you.


Alright, now I'm not going to do a "Band of the Week" like I usually do because I'm not into the music scene like I used to be, HOWEVER, I am getting back to my old ways, so music will be coming soon.

Goodness, now I remember why I stopped blogging, it took so damn long to even do one post.
Anyways, have a goodnight.

Xo & Other Shit,
Catherine

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I Need About Tree-Fiddy.

Well hello there, everyone!
How are all you crackas doin'? I'm doing damn well!

Well I was doin' well until the damn Loch Ness Monster came to my door dressed up as a damn girl scout! I didn't know this was the Loch Ness Monster till I noticed the damn thing was 8 stories tall! It was askin' for tree-fiddy! I was like "DAMN IT, LOCH NESS! I JUST GAVE YOU TREE-FIDDY A WEEK BEFORE!" I ain't got no tree-fiddy! I work for my money, Loch Ness!

For the white people tree-fiddy = $3.50

The damn Loch Ness Monster wouldn't leave my dinosaur, Boo-Boo, alone either! Always harassin' it and shit!

Okay, so you all probably think I'm crazy, which I am a little since I have a blog...but I'm not crazy in this instance. Actually this whole Loch Ness Monster thing is from one of my favorite shows, South Park.

Click Here to hear a little of what I'm talking about.
It's from Episode 3 of Season 3
"The Succubus"

I had a doctors appointment and well my friend Auriel came with me and we kept talking about how the Loch Ness Monster is always tryna get tree-fiddy out of us by dressin' up and trickin' us! Also we had taco salads the night before.
Matt Stone and Trey Parker, I love you both so much.

Here's me with the Loch Ness Monster at dinner. He's in my chop sticks asking for tree-fiddy:



The damn Loch Ness harassing Natalie, me, and Auriel!:


Boo-Boo the Dinosaur:



Moving on... so I'm going to talk a little about boy troubles. I got an email the other day from one of my readers and she was having boy troubles with one of her friends. Normally, I wouldn't care and I still don't but I'm going to give all my readers my advice because what the hell, I'm not using it.

She wrote...with me slightly exaggerating.
"Dearest Catherine DiCaprio,
I am a sixteen year old girl and I'm in love with my best friend. I don't know what to do. I told him and he doesn't know what to think. I need your wise, wonderfully amazing, sheer genius guidance. What should I do?"

Well young reader, since I'm older and smarter, and good-looking, I'll tell you what to do.
Don't bother with him! When guys like you, they like you. Simple as that. Well I think. I don't really know. I haven't had much luck in the guy department. When I like someone, they don't like me back and when they like me, I don't like them back. ANYWAYS....
Honestly, he's probably gay. I wouldn't doubt it with so many closet cases now-a-days. And if he's not gay, then pretend he is. It always works for me when a guy doesn't like me back. It sooths the rejection.
They are plenty of fish in the sea, yada, yada...
***Please note my reader shall remain classified and that I have no idea who she is talking about in her boy troubles. Therefore I don't know who I am talking about and am just assuming and basing it off my own personal opinion. Also I don't like to be sued, which is why I add this disclaimer.




So I started working out with my personal trainer and got my ass completely kicked. Half way through, I asked to go to the bathroom where I blew chunks and then laid on the bathroom floor crying, cursing all the times I ate McDonald's and other shit that I shouldn't be eating. Then I got up and went back to my work out.
I still can't move and I thought I was paralyzed for 20 minutes.
Also I'm finally serious about losing weight. Not like all my other failed attempts.
I didn't even eat because I didn't want to work it off. Every time I go to the crapper, I can't even sit. I'm so sore!

No one likes fat chicks.






Well to keep this short and sweet, I took the whole day off to get some stuff finished! I have lines and sheet music to memorize and desperately need to get back to that!

RANDOM CATHERINE FACT! :
When I was 5, I had to go to a funeral with my mom and when my mom went to go pay her respects, I saw the dead guy laying in his casket and yelled
              "Oh my God! You killed Kenny! You bastards!"
Needless to say how much trouble I got into. So worth it, but it's not as cute when I say it now at funerals though. I usually just get kicked out.



Saturday, November 13, 2010

I Have a Raging Muffin

Hello everyone!

I got inspiration again! I'm making this post about the glorious, fattening, amazingly, extraordinary, deliciously, yummy sweet food called The Muffin.

Here's what a Muffin is classified as: A sweet quick bread baked in a cup-shaped pan.

Of course they forgot to also put that one muffin equals in about 500 calories that pretty much NO ONE needs. Especially if you're in America. You can have one if you're in Cananananada because your country isn't obese....yet.

Anyways, if you know anything about me, you know I enjoy muffins. My mom buys them all the time. When I blame her for my weight gain, she denies everything-including the buying of the sacred muffins even though I see the Sam's Club receipts.

The reason I'm talking about food is because this is my motha fooshing blogg babays! No but really, I'm just bored and I'm dieting so since I can't eat a muffin, I will write about them.


This is the completely true history of The Muffin.
When the muffin was made, God was having a great day and wanted to bless humans with The Sacred Muffin. His best friend, Abraham Lincoln, had just gotten a promotion at work and got news that the Gulf Oil spill was finally coming to an end. Excited that Glee was also coming on later that night and that he won 5 dollars in the cheap lotto, he decided to host a party in honor of all the great news. He sent out a mass invite to everyone he knew on Facebook. When Abraham was getting stuff ready, his big gay friend, Boy George, realized that there were only healthy foods, and no dessert and he called on the Olsen Twins to come over and make some sweets. In a jiffy, they came over with sugar, eggs, milk, crack, and everything else you need to make a muffin. They all smoked some pot that Betty White brought over and began getting to work. Sadly, Tommy James and the Shondells came over and they all started jamming to "Crimson and Clover" while replacing every "her" in the lyrics with this new word they called "muffin" that Al Capone thought of. Apparently he would call alcohol muffins in the speakeasies. After they made the delicious muffins, Miley Cyrus, Bill Gates, John D. Rockafeller, President Roosevelt, and others all came over to party. However I was there, too, and they wouldn't shut the hell up while I was trying to watch Rachel and Finn duet on Glee. Like I said though, God was having a great day the muffin was made.
*Please note that this is not making fun of anyone...well it is but I'm making fun of everyone but God because I do truly, honestly think that the day the muffin was born, God really was having a great day. Oh; and I'm not making fun of Betty White. I love her and I feel like she would be the one to bring pot to a party.


Moving on...
Here are some pictures of Muffins:







Now I'm going to write about something that is horrible and dreadful about the muffin.....and that is...THE MUFFIN TOP!!!!!!!
Ladies, you who have them are effing disgusting and make me want to throw up all over Michigan Ave. There is NO EXCUSE for The Muffin Top! Even when I was at my heaviest, I NEVER had and never will have a Muffin Top. Want to know why? Because I'm not white trash and don't have an on-going relationship with my step-dad, I know my size in jeans, and just know how to dress and work with what I got!
The Muffin Top is also a defense mechanism with woman over the age of 45 who try to stay young by wearing tight-fitting jeans, hoping look attractive to the opposite sex while trying to find a father for their 7 children or just are naturally pathetic.
 
This is what you want to look like, my hot ass sister, Irene. You're probably wondering what happened to me after looking at her...yeah I don't know the answer to that!


You DO NOT want to end up like this :

 

Irene = Anti-Muffin Top
Chick on bottom=Disgusting Muffin Top

Here's a tip to avoid the MUFFIN top:
- Wear jeans/pants that actually fit.
Well no shit.

Remember ladies, the more muffins you eat, the bigger your muffin top you will get! And no one will like you and you wont get laid and then you'll become this crazed feminist because you won't like men and blame the reason for you not dating is because you're this "strong-willed, powerful woman" but the real reason is because you're gross and men don't want you.
Being honest makes me a bitch, ouch.

Here's one last thing Muffin thought before I go....I call it...

A Moment with a Muffin


A Muffin is the great thing to eat.
They are there for you, they don't cheat.
They are the most delicious thing in the world.
They are eaten with feelings, usually by gays and girls.
Muffins are super yummy,
but end up on your tummy.
This is called a Muffin top,
and Muffins are bought in shops.
Muffins are the best of friends,
and are delicious till the end.
Eat Muffins over the phone,
or even eat them when you're alone.


Well I'm going to go eat a Muffin!
I love ALL Muffins!

Bye!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

LOL

All I gots to say is.....

Hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husband because they be rapin' er'body out here.










Hi, Auriel.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Cover It All Up With Lies

Hello my loves!

My new show opens this week! Click the Link to see the dates! I'm in Pinnocchio!!!
Chicago Street Theater

This Blog is going to be a random one that I think majority of the population has done/felt and why it's fucked up.

So shut up and read.

I'm going to talk about high school relationships and why they are complete bullshit...and other stuff.

First of all I'm going to say that EVERYONE in high school that is a student is still a kid. No matter how "mature" you THINK you are, you still live with your parents, you depend on them for most of your shit, and you still make Christmas wish lists, you're still a kid. Get over it. So don't pull out the useless "but I'm mature and work and know not to do drugs." Do you want a fucking cookie every time you do something right? You're still a teenager. Get over it.

Second of all. ALL high school relationships are comeplete fabricated feelings of emotions and horse shit. Most thrown around emotion? Love. You're not in love because you don't even know what that word means. Do NOT convince yourself in thinking you do because you don't. I'm sorry, but I doubt any us develop any emotions that don't consist of our own selfish-ness and surround ourselves until we are well in adulthood. Adulthood meaning our twenties. For some? Thirties.

Moving on....now this blog was just a vent I wanted to write for a while. Now Sex. Don't get me wrong, I do believe in sex before marriage, this isn't a Christian thing, it's a "Don't be fucking stupid" thing. Let me tell you, I am the proudest 18-year-old virgin and you can not fathom the immensity of the fuck I do not give about it.

I'm not gonna lie though, if I were to become a famous actress, I'd love to have countless flings with handsome men like Lana Turner, Marilyn Monroe, and Jane Mansfield did. When you're famous, being a whore is a good thing because good girls rarely make history.

Night all!
xoxo